With the year approaching its end, and with everyone jotting down their resolutions, its my time to have mine jotted down.
For the year 2011, I want to take back myself.
I have changed dramatically this year, to the majority of those who know me, they say its a good change.
I, on the other hand don’t necessary agree with them.
Dissociative by nature, i had to force myself to be part of the family once again, i don’t mind that actually, but the massive amount of information associated with it is alot, varying from the typical who took my bla bla, crossing to the relatives and their news and ending with running the show in times of chaos when there was a serious family member health problems. I am not used to, nor want to be part of the bullshit nonsense that is part of this communal, i am by no means better than any other person, but i want to be liberated from this bullshit.
Since i moved out, i managed to a certain degree to build my own silent empire, but since late December 2009, and throughout this year, ending in November 2010, i have been under massive pressure which resulted in insomnia, to the degree that 15mg (3 pills) of Valium doesn’t have any effect on me, many doctors could not help me, multiple sedatives and anti depressants could not bring me back, alcohol and other substances recommended failed also.
The set of norms and logic i apply to everyday life were gone, and everything was wrong in this past year. I thought that when im back to my own comfort zone all well be ok, but alas, im still having problems.
Two months now, i am still with issues, 99% of my blog posts are written post 3AM. my work productivity is at a minimal, freelance work is not even on the agenda. I drive slowly like old folk due to lack of concentration, walking like a drunk dude, unbalanced and plagued by fatigue.
Therefore for 2011 i want to take back myself.
i want to enjoy what i used to enjoy, up to speed on all the stuff that i love, enhance whatever needs enhancing, find a new outlet for stress, alienate what needs to be alienated, and thee most important thing is to sleep.
For those who reached this paragraph, a new year wish from me to you:
May you this and that, here and there and everywhere.
Thus spake the night spirit.