The situation is untenable, either things return to somewhat normal, or slip to the abyss, I can take the pressure no more.
Red said today I’m full of positive energy, that I’m alive. Little known to her that I’m living on a razors edge, bouncing on a ledge, I’m burning myself in daylight to ease the suffering at night, i am occupying myself with freelance work to stop the never-ending bleak thought patterns, come nighttime and the haunting begins, take a few sleeping pills and I slip into temporary bliss.
The situation is untenable, the hang outs are almost silent, the minutes seem like days, I know there is a huge elephant in the room, but I don’t want to see it, and i have no merit to discuss it.
A fresh wound need time to mend, a wound inflicted on us by the status quo and the good fortune of a friend. In my mind, this wound will leave a scar on us, its a deep wound. The fear of both seeing the elephant would open the wound up and maybe cut through to the bone. The consequences are dire.
I know my symptoms, doing the bare minimum in my work, longing for my sanctuary, staring at the tv and seeing nothing, hammering my guitar playing high reverb very long monotone songs over and over again until my fingers get cut and the other hand numb and ears buzzing.
Slipping in a depression in this time of year is not unusual for me, the change of seasons is upon us, and I have a high tendency to do whatever it takes to escape the sense of melancholy and despair. And I don’t want to resort to heavy chemicals or other substances.
The thing is i can’t afford to be depressed now, the situation is untenable, and when both are mute and lost for words, the gap widens, sensitivity is at it’s peak, the smallest word might unleash pandora’s box, and i don’t need that. Not now.
The sense of despair looming around, and the hard battle to beat it to the extent of taking up freelance work with tight deadlines just to stay out as much as possible, to avoid a minute’s worth of thinking alone is currently not working, the deadline is nigh, and the milestones are not met yet.
Embrace me now, delightful ease!
Give me a world of wondrous peace!
Brave, Courageous and bold.
Long live his fame,
and long live his glory.
Long may his worthless posts be told.